A Modest Proposal

For Preventing Male Discomfort in the Idea of Female Empowerment, by Making Women Subordinate to Men, and Ceasing the Inevitable Outcome of Gender Equality it Will Bring (In the Style of Jonathan Swift)

A Modest Proposal

Maya Long, Opinion Editor

The world is comprised of men and women. The ratio is approximately equal. And if one is more than the other, the margin is so small that it should be ignored. Yet, it is aggravating that the world we walk upon is filled with such rambunctious beings. Ones that claim they are equal yet fail to see their place. Ones that fight for equal pay yet are in no way equal to their counterparts. Ones that fight to stop what they see as sexist, but fail to see what is truly right. Ones with a vagina and mounds of flesh adorning their chests.

You see, the problem is grave. Women have become pests in our otherwise perfect society. A society that sees men as strong and just and exceptional. A society that should be run by men and only men has been taken over by a population that feels they need representation.

But, my friends, I have a solution to fix it once and for all. Women must, from now on, be as they were made to be: subordinate and submissive to the superior sex. They must only speak when spoken to by a man. They must not speak their opinions. When a man requests something, they must say yes. “No’s” are non-existent. No means yes. They must agree.

As a woman, I can confirm we don’t need a voice, the representation, or protection that so many of these idiotic elected females are proposing. We would not need the protection nor the representation if we just submitted to the men.

Let’s be honest, most women are simply empty space in this world. They have no goals, aspirations, ideas, thoughts, feelings, and certainly not opinions. But, we cannot simply get rid of them. Who would provide the world with more men? And let’s not forget, if all women dispersed, who would be there for men’s pleasure?

Women clearly cannot amount to the same greatness men can. We cannot play sports as men do: they’re stronger. Nor can we become CEOs as they do: they’re obviously smarter. We cannot fight like they do nor can we argue like they do. So why should we not just shut our mouths and let the superior humans live peacefully, away from our annoying pleas for equality and equity?

But alas, I concur, friends. Women will not go down without a fight. They have begged, bartered, and fought for the destruction of the patriarchy for years. Simply saying, “Be subordinate to men,” will not work without some incentive. And surely, those horrid activists will spark a new solution to this awful problem.

Surely, women will band together to come up with a better solution than the one I propose here today. I know what I say will spark anger from females. But, I predict they will respond accordingly.

They will say with complete conviction, “We shall not nor should we be submissive. But we shall demand that we become equals in every aspect. Men are not superior. Men are not the dominant sex. Men and women are and were created equal.”

They will argue, “We flew across America, but we shall fly further. We got the right to vote, and we shall utilize that right. We elected a Speaker, but we shall gain a President. And, we regained bodily autonomy even if it was never yours to take in the first place.”

They will refuse to waver, but instead, demand change from the male population. They will demand a simple, effortless task from the male brain: stop being sexist. Stop abusing, shaming, sexualizing, objectifying women and instead, treat them with the respect you treat your male brethren.

They then will say, is that so much to ask?