Sometimes,

Sometimes I don’t feel black enough.

Writing those words down

Gives me the urge to say sorry to my father

But it’s true.

I don’t go to the black affinity group

Because “I’m busy during lunch”

Or “it’s the only free moment I have”

I say these things to make myself feel better

So instead of facing my feelings and guilt, I lie.

I lie because I can’t relate

I try so hard to relate

But I can’t.

I am confident, though,

That I am not white enough either.

Sometimes I struggle with being mixed.

It’s the best and worst

All at the same time.

Best:

I get a unique perspective.

One that I would not trade for the world

One that allows me to see a situation

Both from the point of view

Of a black person

And that

Of a white person

So in the truest form of the word

I get to be

Objective.

Worst:

I feel a constant,

External and internal,

Pressure to be more stereotypically

One race or the other.

It feels as if,

To me at least,

That anyone who is a mixed race role model

Identifies or is seen as one race

Tracee Ellis Ross – black

Jesse Williams – black

Tiger Woods – black

Barack Obama – black

I think that’s what confuses me

There has never been a person who has

Proudly, undeniably identified as mixed race.

One time someone asked me

“Why do you always point out the mixed people on TV?”

In the moment

I didn’t have an answer.

I now realize it’s the same reason

That black people are proud to see black

Actors, athletes, and presidents

Its because its rare to see someone

Who looks like or has a similar background

As you.

So I’m not sure I really need to feel black enough

Or white enough

I think I need to work towards feeling happy about

Being mixed.